Today marks thirty years of marriage for my husband and me. This feels like a major accomplishment. We are closer than ever, and our love for one another is even deeper than when we started all those years ago. Through the years together, we have raised children, built careers, shared laughter and tears, moved across the country twice, and travelled the world. I would not trade any of our experiences, even the rough patches, because they have brought us to where we are today. Every bit of it is important to our shared life, and I am so grateful for all of it.

It might be tempting to summarize our thirty years together by cataloguing the wins of raising our children, creating family traditions, expanding our careers, making our moves, listing our travels, and other accomplishments, but such a list is a little simplistic and transactional. It misses the true wonder of our partnership over these shared years and experiences. He is still my favorite person, and I am his favorite person. Oh, how we laugh together. We are each other’s greatest supporters, confidantes, and guides.

We refer to nurturing our partnership as tending the garden. I like this idea because gardens are not always perfect or predictable. They can be messy sometimes. They grow and change. Plants bloom at different times. Sometimes gardens need to be pruned back. And sometimes they need to be left a little wild and untamed. Tending our garden has taken different forms over the last three decades. When our kids were little, we had a standing babysitter twice a month. We scheduled the sitter, whether or not we had actual plans, so we would have regular time for ourselves. The only rule for this time was not to talk about the kids. This rule was harder than you might think to follow, but it was a good one because it helped us stay connected as the two adults we were before kids. Once the kids were older and had their own lives, we found we still needed to be intentional about spending time together to build connection. These days, we might take a hike, go on a picnic, simply hang out and talk, or play board games together.

Sometimes, younger friends who are embarking on new partnerships have asked us to share our secret to a happy marriage. That is a bit of a hard question because I think what works for one partnership might be different from what works for another. For us, what has worked is making room for personal growth while also nurturing our relationship. Another thing that has made our marriage great is the small gestures of love and care. He brings me a perfect cup of coffee most mornings and takes care of all things relating to cars. I handle the family calendar and all things insurance. These small tasks are so supportive and kind and make each other feel seen and valued. Plus, it means we share the load of our shared life. There is no such thing as a perfect partnership, just great ones, and those take work. We are both independent individuals with different interests, so finding common ground has sometimes been challenging.  Maybe the common ground is unconditional love and respect for one another. 

We are both vastly different people from the ones we were when we started our adventure together. We have embraced growth and change and challenged each other to be the best versions of ourselves. Somehow, through all of this, we still choose each other. This is not to say things are always perfect. We have had our share of suffering and challenges, but somehow we navigate through those times. We understand and accept that neither of us is perfect. We aim to assume goodwill with each other. Assuming goodwill and allowing for grace and forgiveness of each other’s “humanness” is another way we tend the garden. 

And so, over the past thirty years, we have continued to tend the garden, to choose each other every day, even through challenges, and the reward has been a deeper love and connection. Here’s to another thirty years of love, happiness, and adventure.