“Forget the failures. Keep the lessons.” – Buddha

I don’t know anyone who really enjoys failure. But like it or not, failure is an unavoidable part of living, growing, and aging. Failure can be uncomfortable, embarrassing, and even painful. We tend to be very hard on ourselves in the face of failure and often internalize the intense feelings, which can erode our self-worth. Why is it so hard for us to accept failure? What if we try to reframe failure as an important and valuable teaching tool toward achieving real, lasting learning? And might we find more empathy toward ourselves and others if we accepted some failure as an essential part of our own humanity and growth?

Fear of failure is a limiting mindset. I read someplace that “fear is a dream killer more than failure”. And, who wants to invite a dream killer into their life? If we are consumed by fear of failure, of being anything less than perfectly successful, or so risk-averse that we become paralyzed, we will likely never reach our true learning edge. A learning edge is the sweet spot between what we already know and what is new, challenging, or unfamiliar. It is in this place that we can achieve maximum growth. We must stretch beyond our comfort zones, but not so far that we become overwhelmed, and accept the risk of failure, or at least expect the likelihood of some mistakes and hiccups, to truly know what is possible. Leaning into the learning zone is, by definition, uncomfortable, but that discomfort should not keep us from trying anyway. We should be more afraid of not trying and ending up in the backwaters of stagnation. 

In my work as a fitness coach, I see failure as a tool for achieving fitness goals with my clients and myself. When we exercise, especially if we are trying something new or it is particularly challenging, our muscles can feel sore, and our bodies may feel uncoordinated, overloaded, and fatigued. These feelings are a form of failure. A new class or workout can be challenging enough that we can’t complete it all, at least not on the first try. This is also a form of failure. Most of the time, we can accept these experiences as a natural part of the process of building strength or mastering a new sport or activity. We understand that these experiences are temporary. It means we are working to our physical edge and building strength and skills. And yet, it is hard to apply this knowledge of how failure and real growth work to other areas of our lives, such as relationships, careers, and school. 

If we want to accept failure as a necessary part of our learning and overall success, then we’d better develop strategies to deal with it when it comes our way. We must learn to handle disappointment without getting stuck in the loop of fear or self-punishment.  The first step is to find more generous language for failure that emphasizes learning. I like the words stepping stones, lessons, iteration, hiccups, and even setbacks because they invite me to be more expansive and objective when evaluating a perceived failure.  When failure comes, we need to allow ourselves plenty of space and grace to honestly evaluate things, then brainstorm how we might do things differently to achieve a different outcome. This reflection part requires a healthy measure of honesty and humility. We can ask ourselves questions such as, “What could I have done differently?” Were my expectations and goals appropriate? What part of this failure is my responsibility? And what was in or out of my control? Only after completing the self-reflection can we begin to formulate a new plan or path that incorporates new learning. Then, finally, we can put the experience behind us and move on. We can and should acknowledge any feelings of disappointment or sadness without turning those emotions inward, where they might harm our sense of self-worth. There is nothing to be gained by stewing over the past once we have given ourselves the time to reflect and regroup. Of course, if a particular failure is so painful that it is hard to reflect and reframe on our own, or if we become totally overwhelmed, asking for outside help is always a good option. Bouncing thoughts and ideas off a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can be enormously helpful. Giving ourselves the time to reflect, regroup, reframe, and move forward with a new plan is real, lasting learning. It is also tremendously empowering. 

Young children often seem to handle failure better than we adults do. I notice this when watching my grandkids. For example, when they attempt to ride their bikes up a rocky gully or over rough gravel and take a tumble, they usually jump right back up and try again. Even if they shed a few tears or get a little ouchie, they don’t often get stuck in the “I can’t” loop or just quit. Children spend so much time in the trenches of learning that they are simply used to not being experts, making them much more resilient in the face of failure. Perhaps we adults could take a page from the kids’ playbook and be braver about taking risks with new experiences, without being paralyzed by fear or the expectation of perfection. Maybe we could find some space to be okay with not being experts on the first try. Certainly, we can and should be supportive and model resilience with our children’s and our own mistakes and mishaps. 

As both a parent and a teacher, I took much longer than I should have to learn that it is not my job to keep my children or students from failing.  Of course, I can support their success, cheer them on, and offer ideas for alternate paths and resources, but ultimately, they have to do the work and take accountability for outcomes. Especially with my own kids, I was often tempted and, too often, did clear the way so they had an easier time. This type of support, though always offered from a place of love, doesn’t really foster long-term learning or build confidence. Kids (and we adults, too) need to make mistakes and fail (safely) to learn, build resilience, confidence, and grit. Fixing pathways for others or ourselves to try to guarantee success every single time stunts real growth and learning. Courageously leaning into our learning edges without fear of failure is integral to our self-discovery journey. 

Over time and with practice, we can get better at seeing failure as a necessary step in our growth rather than brokenness within ourselves as humans. We can learn from our mistakes and view them as stepping stones pr pathways toward real growth. But we can’t do this if we don’t allow ourselves some time to process and reflect. I encourage you to make room for what is possible by embracing your mistakes and experiencing some failure on your life’s journey. You will be better for it!